All Christians

Over a year ago, I was asked by Dr. Jared Pingleton to be part of a new book Mental Health Ministry which is a follow up to The Struggle is Real that released today. My contribution is ‘Chapter 11: Ministering to Mental Health Needs in Youth Ministry’. With my history of working in youth ministry, doing family counseling in a clinical setting, and having a heart to see the family unit healthy and God at the center of it, it was a perfect fit.

My background in counseling is that I am currently the director for mental health and substance use services at our community mental health center, which we call Co-Occurring services. I have been a Co-Occurring therapist for over 8 years now and if there is one thing I can tell you, it is that mental health and substance misuse disorders knows no boundaries, whether age, gender, race, ethnicity, health status, sociopolitical, or religion. So I wanted to have a conversation for pastors on what can be an appropriate approach to addiction within your faith worldview.

Whether you are a pastor that has just realized the need for your church to do more with mental health in your community, a Christian counselor that wants to better integrate within your church but outside of a counseling setting, or a congregation member that wants to step up and provide resources to those who are hurting, we all need a little training. The Church Mental Health Summit as the perfect online conference that brings together ministry leaders and practitioners to strengthen your leadership and equip you to serve those in community with confidence. 

Marriage is a symbol for Christians in close community to reflect the will of God. We talked previously about what Godly marriage can look like and have even gotten into some good tips to improve your marriage or conversation starters to help develop more compassion and intimacy between spouses. But a recent article on Prepare-Enrich, our preferred premarital/marital counseling/enrichment tool reminded us sometimes we need to address the basics.

If you go check out their article here, they go back to the basics and address a foundational pitfall of avoiding assumptions that lead to marital conflict. (My favorite out of the article is to not assume what their intentions are.) So in going back to the basics on that article, I want to identify 5 marriage basics Christians need to have within their relationship.

1. Remember Why You Decided To Be Together
   If it was simply a secular understanding of why you are together in your marriage, this tip still really works. Your spouse was super funny, they caught your eye in the crowd, or they seemed to really care about people. The problem from a secular position is that what tends to originally attract people may end up being a source of frustration otherwise, the humor may wear off, the good looks may not be enough, etc.
   
   For Christians though, our love for one another, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, is a witness to others of God’s love. While marriage is not always going to be roses and rainbows, our ability to love one another can remain. We don’t have to like each other 24/7, but we do need to continue to love each other. (I also want to note I am a domestic violence victim advocate, so this is not a conviction for you to stay in an abusive relationship. If you or your children are in danger, you need to go find safety for yourself and your children.)
   
2. Listen First, Talk When Necessary
   As someone that loves to help fix things, this has been a growth area for me. Listening, actively hearing what people are saying, what they mean with what they say, and how they truly feel, is vital to a marriage. This will help you empathize, avoid future conflict when you missed the message, and better meet each other’s needs. I realize we are busy and you do not always hear what the other person is saying, I’m guilty of this as much as the next person. But when my wife needs to get my attention, I truly listen if I don’t seem to understand, I ask for clarification so I can listen some more.
   
   Sometimes being the hero can happen, but they need to know that you are there for them more than being a super hero. Show up, put away the phone, and listen to what they say with their mouth but also what their heart says too.
   
3. Communicate Well
   This might seem weird after just talking about listening well, but communication only starts with listening. We need to make sure to share what is truly on our hearts. If your spouse asks if anything is wrong, be honest. If you see your spouse upset but only want to hear a positive response, do not ask how they are doing. Do not lie to each other because honest creates distrust. Remember who you are talking to, your partner in life, the one you made a commitment to. Do you speak to them in harsh tone? Then you need to ask for forgiveness and change your attitude.
   
   And communication does not have to be words. Get creative with it with a love note on the mirror that your spouse will find in the morning. Let it be in your actions as you surprise them with a gift of appreciation and honoring their commitment to you and God. Pray together. Offer a soft touch in a moment when it is easier to be harsh and critical. Reminisce about your day each evening. And grow in your love and commitment to each other as you communicate.
   
4. Have Good Boundaries
   Protect your marriage, from others and from your own self. Boundaries are having a healthy time together, but also not. In counseling, I talk about who you are united together, just as we are united in Christ, but we are also our own individual just as God gave us gifts that He did not specifically intend for other people. You can have your own interests in things as well as expect to go on date nights together.
   
   This also requires you to leave your previous family to go to your new one. You are not married to your work and you must have separation from it. Self-care is important, but do not let workouts, escapism into video games, or even volunteering at church pull you away constantly from your marriage. Boundaries can take the shape of several things in a marriage: time you have for each other where you are distracted with TV, events, or work, privacy where you feel you have to snoop or nag when a fight happens but you cannot give them space, and personal space in the sense of not constantly requiring their attention, energy, or presence. Exercise them consistently and frequency.
   
5. Have Mercy and Grace
   This one is a little bit cheating, because we have already reviewed a Barna study that talks about mercy in marriage and parenting. But the take away is too important, the need for it too critical. A quick recap of the article notes that unconditional forgiveness, mercy and grace, that is given and received will strongly grow a relationship. And is it not that mercy and grace from Jesus dying on the cross that we have already received and are expected to give to one another?
   
   You’ll notice we do not put anything on here about fighting, but conflict will happen. Good communication and boundaries that we previously talked about is important, but conflict tends to have a winner and loser or two losers. It’s hard to think of a conflict where both people truly win and it definitely is not the norm. So, if you win, have mercy. If you lose, have grace. We all fall short of this, so understand we will hurt one another and do it again, but find growth in yourself and within your marriage.

This certainly isn’t every fundamental of a marriage and there are so many other good tips and lessons to be learn. What is a favorite of yours that has not been shared.

Pastors deal in the spiritual, in how God has created all that was, is, and will be. They look at the fall with sin, the life of man in that sin, the redemption through Jesus, and the time to come. They have a say in morality, parenting, personal salvation, hermeneutics, and so much more. But there is still a disconnect when it comes to mental illness when we talk about faith that is the purpose of this website. One of the biggest issues is where sin is and is not a part of the aspects of one’s recovery.

[This article is part of a series of books we have reviewed over the years. Click the link to check out all the other books we’ve reviewed here.]

The topic of mental health is not a new topic, but one the Church has begun to embrace more and more of. While we talk about big implications with regards to mental illness, sin and suicide, or the ramifications of substance misuse on the soul, the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero takes on what it means to have good mental health with regards to our faith.

Last month, I got to sit down and talk with Daniel Whitehead, CEO of Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries and hear the history and heart of what is happening at Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries. I already knew about their main product is the Sanctuary Course, but found they were originally created as a response to the original founder’s husband committing suicide and they found a significant lack of resources for Christians to better understand and engage in mental health education and resources. Thus Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries was born.

The purpose of this Christian nonprofit is different from other Christian group curriculum like Fresh Hope or Grace Alliance which are designed to integrate mental health and faith. Instead, they want to start conversations with people who may not understand mental health or professionals and family of those who have lived experiences who want to introduce the idea to their church. It’s the beginning conversation to start the journey of having churches championing this cause.

What is the Sanctuary Course? It’s a free eight-part study guide for small groups that uses films, coursebook reading, and discussion guides (with art reflections and spiritual practices) to raise awareness, start conversations, and reduce stigma about mental health. If you haven’t seen it, we even took a lot of inspiration from it in creating our Church Mental Health Wellness curriculum we are developing. The audience includes:

• People with questions about mental health
• Mental health professionals with a wealth of knowledge to share
• Leaders who want to engage their community in mental health conversations
• People supporting loved ones with mental health problems
• People living with mental health problems

Here’s a video they put together about the course:

When a resource has such specific focus and nail it in such a profound way, I can’t help but want to share it. Daniel Whitehead wanted to make sure it was understood, they want to be present for helping start the conversations, which in and of itself is hard within the Christian community. Having empathy for something you do not understand can be next to impossible and that is where the Sanctuary Course starts. It has the stories of people who have struggled with insights from mental health professionals and church leaders alike.

Other nonprofits like Grace Alliance will serve well with what they do, but the very specific need to help others understand why a conversation on faith and mental health is there and Sanctuary Mental Health Ministry nails it. If your church has not yet started the conversation, you need to download this. If you feel like you and your leadership get it, you may still want to go through it when you bring on new elders or deacons, help congregation members understand better, or want to walk alongside other community partners or churches to grow in this specific area. We give our absolute support of it.

Burnout is not a new concept, but for pastors, it would appear that more and more are accepting that it truly does exist and it’s impacting them great. We have identified several statistics about burnout before and how to over come it when it happens. New results for a longitudinal study digs deeper into what we have already seen.

Barna Group has found that for pastors currently in ministry, while there are certainly challenges present, many are not handling these challenges well. 57% of pastors stated their own spiritual formation too often takes a back seat to other pastoral duties and 33% of pastors often feel depressed.

This is concerning for two reasons. First, my experience with pastors is that they do not feel they can confide in others about these feelings. If you tell the senior pastor, you may be looked down upon or asked to take a leave of absence that more than likely is unpaid. It furthers the isolation and can cause resentment. The second is that these pastors who feel this way are also leading their congregation from a source of ineffectiveness and emptiness. I understand that there are seasons for feeling like you need better self-care and depressed, these surveys are talking about too often feeling depressed or lacking spiritual formation and this should be a warning alarm for the Church.

What Is Burnout?

Burnout can be associated with stress on the job or how you interact with family at home. You find yourself frustrated when the work week starts. Monday or Tuesday comes in after a long weekend of work and you dread going in. You get back to work after lunch, if you even took one, and find yourself unable to focus or feel motivated to work on your to-do list. Another meeting, even if it is to talk about the Sunday service or discipleship with volunteers.

People will say burnout is caused due to “burning the candle at both ends,” “maybe you need more training,” or for pastors that “you weren’t really called to this position.” Burnout is seen as exhaustion, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

But burnout tends to not be any one thing. It’s not like we can look at pastors and say “if you pray more or read the Bible more.” Nor is it a matter of “let’s talk about breathing exercises and going for a walk.” While all of these things are good and will help, it’s less about doing any one thing and more about a change of your routine and priorities, which makes for a great sermon that I have heard many times.

Pastors, Resilience, and Burnout

Our belief is that you should practice what you preach, literally. Pastors tend to be people who are service oriented, loving one another but many times struggle to take their own advice. This is not an uncommon issue, but one that can breed unhealthiness and corrupt your own witness. Barna was wise to this in the data and found it to be true with statistical significance as seen below.

Dr. Angela Duckworth is the author of the book Grit which identifies achievement to be due to passion and perseverance. She is quoted as saying this about burnout:

We put everything we can into something and there is nothing coming back… there is nothing more you can do and furthermore what you are doing isn’t working.

The chart above along with Dr. Duckworth’s words pair nicely. We see that the pastor who has not considered quitting prioritizes self-care, feels rewarded, and does not see themselves doing anything else. These things are not simple “pray more” as we said above, but fundamental, core beliefs in their calling and profession. This requires us to be intentional on how great ministry is, putting yourself first so that you “serve from a full cup,” and not doing more for everyone else that you are not also doing for yourself, without exception.

If you have felt this, reach out to us, we’d love to chat with you about how we can help you serve better, longer. Our heart is to see Christian counselors and church leaders collaborate for the long term and if a conversation can help that, we would love to do so. Send us a message on social media or comment us that you’d love to talk sometime.

I have had a fun couple of months with the church I attend in exploring if and how mental health wellness needs to be part of the Church. I talked just this year about my church’s further investment in mental health awareness as well as trainings for staff, congregation, and our local community with regards to faith and mental health. And recently, our pastor made the push to make the mental health of our congregation a priority with the growth and development of each congregation member.

We created a specific video to talk about mental health stigma as well as ways your church can fight stigma locally now. I feel like the last five years have been a big swing on the church’s stance with mental health and we still have a long way to go.