One of the best parts about marriage also tends to be one of the most significantly impaired. While no conclusive research has come out on these top three, a general assumption among marriage therapists is sex, money, and conversation are the biggest failure points for a marriage.

It would make sense that communication between two people are the most important. We even see this in our faith, right? When we struggle with our relationship with God, what suffers first? Attendance at church and worship? Prayer? Reading Scriptures? These are all ways we commune with God. Sin blocks our communication, whether with God or the one we love the most.

Think Back When You Were First Together

Whether you dates or courted, how did communication look at that time. Was it a fairy-tale romance of long nights of staring at the moon or hours upon hours on the phone? Did you find yourself taking time away from your school or job so you could steal another moment of conversation with your significant other? You never have met someone like this and you just want to know more about their thoughts and views on life, love, and every other part of their world.

Sin blocks our communication, whether with God or the one we love the most.We lose these perspectives in marriage as we grow comfortable with each other. Things appear dull and frustrating. These differences in how they talk now are annoying or the basis of most fights.

But isn’t that interesting? The thing that drew us to them now almost repulses us? Why is that?

Some speculate we stopped trying to care. Others state we were initially putting on a mask. Others believe we become too busy to notice, our priorities having shifted. Some of these might be true or none of them. But we can state that communication has broken down and is no longer enjoyable. But what if it doesn’t have to be that way anymore?

Making Your Marital Conversations More Enjoyable

Below is a helpful tool for people who want to improve their communication with their spouse, but do not know where to start. It’s called the Krokoff-Gottman Enjoyable Conversations Scale from the book title The Marriage Clinic by John M. Gottman. Each partner is to take the assessment on their own and then come together to look at the others.

Note the differences where one scores something high and other other scores it low as this will be an area of contention. For those items both score low, these are conversation areas that are necessary evils but can be limited topics of conversation for “when they have to be done.” For items that rate high for both people, these are areas to focus on having now, growing in understanding and education of the topic, and collaborating with your partner to do more with.

Let us know in the comments how this scale helps.

Published by Jeremy Smith

Jeremy is a Licensed Professional Counselor working with adults and youth. Jeremy has a history of working as a ministry director for Youth for Christ for 8 years and then working as a mental health and substance use adult counselor in Ohio, specifically running an Opioid Residential Treatment Center.

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