All Christians

For the past year, my wife has been leading our Sunday morning community group chapter by chapter through Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home by Richard Foster, a book copywritten 30 years ago and still fully applicable today. The book divides prayer into three sections: Inward, Upward, and Outward.

This month, we went through one of the more loved chapters of Intercessory prayer, our ability and expectation of praying, individually or corporately, for the needs of others. The book notes how Jesus’ death on the Cross was His action to be mankind’s intercessor to God and as Christians, we are expected to pray for those who ask for our prayers.

[This article is part of a series of books we have reviewed over the years. Click the link to check out all the other books we’ve reviewed here.]

Holly Oxhandler is not only a Christian who understands mental health, but has her own Christian mental health podcast that she co-hosts at CXMH Podcast and an associate professor and associate dean for research and faculty development at Baylor University in social work. If you follow her online or read any of her other material, you will find she is a caring person not only for the individual who is struggling from mental health, but those that have made a choice to serve people with mental health problems, whether professional or otherwise.

Editor’s Note: If you want to read more up on what Scrupulosity is, check out this previous article on what this diagnosis is as well as an article 5 Ways The Church Perpetuates Religious OCD that we did as a follow up.

I trust my testimony will give the reader helpful insights into this subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Moreover, for those who can personally relate to what I am sharing, may my words offer comfort amid your suffering.

I’ve walked with God for about as long as I can remember. I asked Jesus into my life around age four after “praying through” with my dad on our living room couch.

The new year is here, 2023 is for some the time to move forward in life, especially for those who the last three years have been very difficult for them for a variety of reasons, including due to lose of loved ones or financial security, fear, medical concerns, or conflict in relationships. In a sermon I just heard from our pastor at the beginning of the month, he talked about the idea of not getting stuck in our past that we are tied to it, quoting most of Deuteronomy 8, though I’ll share the key point for this article.

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day… But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today… If you ever forget the Lord your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed.

Deuteronomy 8:2, 11, 18-19 (NIV)

While the text does reference that we need to not forget the blessing, power, and majesty of God, we also need to put it at the forefront of what we do today. In this context, Moses commands the Israelites who were in the wilderness for 40 years to not forget that they were in the wilderness specifically because they did not trust and put their faith in God after He did miracles and blessings for His kingdom. This is not a call to lament the time lost because the rest of the Scripture we didn’t cite is all about living life according to God’s will which means we need to remember the past but not let us be stuck in it.

Grounding Technique

Clinically, we would have a lot of coping skills to be able to use this for our clients, including grounding. For counselors, the term grounding may very quickly take your mind to the Dialectic Behavioral Therapy technique that utilizes mindfulness. The idea is we find ourselves stuck to our past misery and failures, pouring shame and guilt on ourselves, or trying to predict the future, anxious about what is to come, instead of being in the moment. Grounding technique helps you reinforce that “in the moment”-ness through your five senses. Here’s a video to help explain the clinical technique:

Grounding With Scripture and Prayer

Grounding Yourself in Scripture and Prayer is different than the de facto Grounding Exercise shared above in that you are putting God’s breathed Word in your life daily and talking with Him. This goes beyond an art piece of Jeremiah 29:11 or Joshua 24:15 or having the Serenity Prayer hung on your fridge, though these are excellent, daily reminders.

Instead, we need to take time to sit in Scripture and prayer to listen to what God has for us. Sometimes it is a quiet stillness that we need before a chaotic day or a strong push of devotions and prayer reminders for those who are hurting. Other times, it is a complete worship experience of confession with tears and sorrowful petitioning of repentance for what we have done or felt. Many times, it is simply being present within God’s presence and being fully aware of who God is for ourselves, our service in His holy family, and renewing our calling that He has put before us.

This takes intentional time to read Scripture, talk with your pastor or discipler, give more than a brief moment of prayer that is practiced, and reaching for the quiet to hear what God has for us instead of only giving Him, our Creator, Lord, King, and Comforter, the briefest of moments in our day.

Go, connect with Him in ways that you are able to hear and truly be present. Let the past be a reminder, but not a chain, to what has happened and what God has done so that you may be present today to fulfill His will.

My wife and I’s hearts has a special place to help destigmatize special needs, neurodivergent, and developmental disabilities within our everyday life. This includes, especially, within the church. This statistic blows my mind every time I read it:

Did you know that there is an unreached people group in your neighborhood? Only 5-10% of the world’s disabled population are effectively reached with the gospel. That makes people with disabilities one of the largest unreached people groups in the world!

Couple visible disabilities with hidden disabilities such as mental illness or substance misuse, and we have a HUGE population that we are not sharing Jesus with.

First, from our family to yours, happy Thanksgiving. If you do not live in a place that nationally celebrates Thanksgiving, we hope this time helps in finding more gratitude in your faith journey and giving thanks to God and those around you for the many blessings you have received. We know that within “positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” [Harvard Health Publishing]

We’ve talked previously about how the holidays can be a difficult time for those with mental health, writing about how Christians can manage mental health over the holidays, the worries of addiction during the holidays, how to help loved ones with mental illness over the holidays, and, previously if we weren’t in a pandemic with restrictions looming, ways to find peace and joy over this holiday. Today, we want to discuss ways we can give thanks that integrates mental health and our Christian faith. We suggest you print these off, put them in your calendar, add them to your journaling, and pass them along as gratitude and thanks giving only grows when you do it more and share it with others.

1. Giving Thanks Daily

As of the time of this writing, we have 38 days til the new year. That’s 38 opportunities to make this the most thankful year you’ve ever had. With something as simple as writing a text message every day to someone in your life to give thanks for what they have done for you or to give a new thing you are thankful for to one person who had truly been there for you every day. Search yourself and find what they have done for you, being mindful of all the ways and things they have done. Also, make it intentional in your prayers for thanksgiving daily.

If you are as bad at this as I am, schedule out your text messages. For the next hour, identify those 38 people and schedule a text message to send them on December 17 or November 29 and fill every day. With prayer, write down on a calendar or prayer journal for the next 38 days a new thing to thank God for. But in all things, give thanks.

2. Gratitude Journal

We find that giving thanks in the moment to be one of the best ways to be mindful of all of the things God has done for us and set our hearts and minds on what can be done today. But in times of difficult struggle with anxiety, depression, or trauma, even that task can be hard. Having a journal of thoughts you have done in the recent days and weeks before hand can give you the opportunity when it feels like there is nothing to be grateful for and see all that you have had.

For this, we suggest starting a gratitude journal where every day in your prayer, devotional, and meditation time that you take some time to journal about things you are grateful for. Whether it is a running list or a narrative format of your collective thoughts, have a book solely dedicated to thankfulness. When you can, be unique in what you write so that you are always looking for new things to be thankful for. Do not start it when you are struggling, instead start it now for later. And if you never need it, then you instead spend wonderful minutes before God counting your blessings and finding humility before Him.

3. Serve Others

Different than the first two that look to others who have blessed us, we can also go and bless others. We have found that even the most altruistic actions by you will still promote a sense of thankfulness as well as tend to be moments seared into one’s own memory, creating moment after moment of kindness and thanksgiving. Whether you find a day to serve on one of the big holidays at a soup kitchen, take part in the Adopt-A-Child event or Operation: Shoebox through your church, or find yourself devoting days and weeks through Habitat for Humanity or with your local foster care system, give back.

4. Reflect and Memorize Scripture of Thanksgiving

Whether you tend to struggle memorizing anything or not, spend time in Scripture with verses of thanksgiving. Whether you go through the Psalms which are filled with them and find verses like Psalm 103:1-4 or the many times Paul is giving thanks for the new Church in their efforts to be Christ to all people in all things:

Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,

Psalm 103:1-4 (NIV)

If you need help, the Internet has a whole list of verses you can go and find to reflect on every morning or evening.

So what do you do with your Thanksgiving that you can promote a sense of gratitude in the busyness of the holiday as well as in the ordinary every day? Leave your comments below.

Over a year ago, I was asked by Dr. Jared Pingleton to be part of a new book Mental Health Ministry which is a follow up to The Struggle is Real that released today. My contribution is ‘Chapter 11: Ministering to Mental Health Needs in Youth Ministry’. With my history of working in youth ministry, doing family counseling in a clinical setting, and having a heart to see the family unit healthy and God at the center of it, it was a perfect fit.

My background in counseling is that I am currently the director for mental health and substance use services at our community mental health center, which we call Co-Occurring services. I have been a Co-Occurring therapist for over 8 years now and if there is one thing I can tell you, it is that mental health and substance misuse disorders knows no boundaries, whether age, gender, race, ethnicity, health status, sociopolitical, or religion. So I wanted to have a conversation for pastors on what can be an appropriate approach to addiction within your faith worldview.

Whether you are a pastor that has just realized the need for your church to do more with mental health in your community, a Christian counselor that wants to better integrate within your church but outside of a counseling setting, or a congregation member that wants to step up and provide resources to those who are hurting, we all need a little training. The Church Mental Health Summit as the perfect online conference that brings together ministry leaders and practitioners to strengthen your leadership and equip you to serve those in community with confidence. 

Marriage is a symbol for Christians in close community to reflect the will of God. We talked previously about what Godly marriage can look like and have even gotten into some good tips to improve your marriage or conversation starters to help develop more compassion and intimacy between spouses. But a recent article on Prepare-Enrich, our preferred premarital/marital counseling/enrichment tool reminded us sometimes we need to address the basics.

If you go check out their article here, they go back to the basics and address a foundational pitfall of avoiding assumptions that lead to marital conflict. (My favorite out of the article is to not assume what their intentions are.) So in going back to the basics on that article, I want to identify 5 marriage basics Christians need to have within their relationship.

1. Remember Why You Decided To Be Together
   If it was simply a secular understanding of why you are together in your marriage, this tip still really works. Your spouse was super funny, they caught your eye in the crowd, or they seemed to really care about people. The problem from a secular position is that what tends to originally attract people may end up being a source of frustration otherwise, the humor may wear off, the good looks may not be enough, etc.
   
   For Christians though, our love for one another, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, is a witness to others of God’s love. While marriage is not always going to be roses and rainbows, our ability to love one another can remain. We don’t have to like each other 24/7, but we do need to continue to love each other. (I also want to note I am a domestic violence victim advocate, so this is not a conviction for you to stay in an abusive relationship. If you or your children are in danger, you need to go find safety for yourself and your children.)
   
2. Listen First, Talk When Necessary
   As someone that loves to help fix things, this has been a growth area for me. Listening, actively hearing what people are saying, what they mean with what they say, and how they truly feel, is vital to a marriage. This will help you empathize, avoid future conflict when you missed the message, and better meet each other’s needs. I realize we are busy and you do not always hear what the other person is saying, I’m guilty of this as much as the next person. But when my wife needs to get my attention, I truly listen if I don’t seem to understand, I ask for clarification so I can listen some more.
   
   Sometimes being the hero can happen, but they need to know that you are there for them more than being a super hero. Show up, put away the phone, and listen to what they say with their mouth but also what their heart says too.
   
3. Communicate Well
   This might seem weird after just talking about listening well, but communication only starts with listening. We need to make sure to share what is truly on our hearts. If your spouse asks if anything is wrong, be honest. If you see your spouse upset but only want to hear a positive response, do not ask how they are doing. Do not lie to each other because honest creates distrust. Remember who you are talking to, your partner in life, the one you made a commitment to. Do you speak to them in harsh tone? Then you need to ask for forgiveness and change your attitude.
   
   And communication does not have to be words. Get creative with it with a love note on the mirror that your spouse will find in the morning. Let it be in your actions as you surprise them with a gift of appreciation and honoring their commitment to you and God. Pray together. Offer a soft touch in a moment when it is easier to be harsh and critical. Reminisce about your day each evening. And grow in your love and commitment to each other as you communicate.
   
4. Have Good Boundaries
   Protect your marriage, from others and from your own self. Boundaries are having a healthy time together, but also not. In counseling, I talk about who you are united together, just as we are united in Christ, but we are also our own individual just as God gave us gifts that He did not specifically intend for other people. You can have your own interests in things as well as expect to go on date nights together.
   
   This also requires you to leave your previous family to go to your new one. You are not married to your work and you must have separation from it. Self-care is important, but do not let workouts, escapism into video games, or even volunteering at church pull you away constantly from your marriage. Boundaries can take the shape of several things in a marriage: time you have for each other where you are distracted with TV, events, or work, privacy where you feel you have to snoop or nag when a fight happens but you cannot give them space, and personal space in the sense of not constantly requiring their attention, energy, or presence. Exercise them consistently and frequency.
   
5. Have Mercy and Grace
   This one is a little bit cheating, because we have already reviewed a Barna study that talks about mercy in marriage and parenting. But the take away is too important, the need for it too critical. A quick recap of the article notes that unconditional forgiveness, mercy and grace, that is given and received will strongly grow a relationship. And is it not that mercy and grace from Jesus dying on the cross that we have already received and are expected to give to one another?
   
   You’ll notice we do not put anything on here about fighting, but conflict will happen. Good communication and boundaries that we previously talked about is important, but conflict tends to have a winner and loser or two losers. It’s hard to think of a conflict where both people truly win and it definitely is not the norm. So, if you win, have mercy. If you lose, have grace. We all fall short of this, so understand we will hurt one another and do it again, but find growth in yourself and within your marriage.

This certainly isn’t every fundamental of a marriage and there are so many other good tips and lessons to be learn. What is a favorite of yours that has not been shared.